As the holidays approach, the anxiety is settling in. As someone with a large family, and a split family, the holidays have always been full of stressors, anxiety, and honestly not fun for me.
Growing up I would spend half the day with my mom, then half with my dad. It then switched yearly (every other holiday i’d be somewhere different). There were always at least four dinners to go to, and as I got older, the stress of making sure I was spending the appropriate amount of time with each family.
But it wasn’t I who decided the appropriate amount of time, it was always dependent on the attitude of the family I was with. I never wanted anyone to feel like I was choosing one over the other (even though I definitely had a place I preferred to be).
My whole life I was taught to not upset others even if the cost meant that I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to be there. I was constantly being pulled in every different direction and never able to be present because of the next thing that was required of me. Worried that if I didn’t react a certain way to opening a gift, I would get in trouble. Anxiety that if I said something about one parent to the other that I would upset them.
Knowing I would have preferred to be at my Mimi’s with all of my aunts and uncles because for me, that is what Thanksgiving and Christmas were. That was the place of solitude for me, but I knew I could only spend so much time there so I wouldn’t upset anyone.
Now that I am married there is an added stress because of added family. Everyone expects you to do what they want. It seems to me that there is little room for what I (we) actually want.
Our families live all over the U.S. and it can be difficult to connect with all of them in a way that lives up to their expectations. Always the constant worry that if we leave too early someone will be upset. But what is too early?
Is it because I think it is, or because of the perceived notion from the family around that we aren’t giving enough of ourselves in that moment? It feels selfish to leave when we are ready to go.
What I’m learning?
It’s okay to be selfish. It’s okay to listen to your body’s cues when it says, “hey let’s get out of there, this is overwhelming.”
It’s an unlearning, an unconditioning.
This holiday season, I urge you to do what YOU want. I urge you to listen to your body. Make a list of all the plans, and decided what feels best for you and your household, not what the parents or in-laws expect of you. You are able to make your own traditions. Maybe you don’t even want to celebrate, that’s okay too.
Family is complex on it’s own, adding in these holidays and traditions make it even more confusing.
It also could come down to the very simple explanation of finances. It’s not that you don’t want to see your family, (or maybe it is!) but that you can’t afford it right now. Travel is expensive, especially if you have more than just you in your household.
What this comes down to is having boundaries, and communicating those boundaries!
We can’t expect anyone to know what we need, or what our plans our if we don’t tell them. When we are explaining why we aren’t coming for the holidays, we need to say plainly and clearly what we mean.
“I’m not going to be able to make it to Thanksgiving this year due to finances. I would love to Face Time though!”
“We can’t make it for Christmas this year. We want to create our own traditions.”
“I won’t be attending Mass because I am currently deconstructing my religion, and I don’t want to put myself in that place.”
Or simply, “I can’t make it this year. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you!”
Whatever your “reason”, it is a good one.
The response of the other person(s) is not yours to carry. The other person(s) can choose to respect and love you, or try and manipulate you into doing something you don’t want. I urge you to stand your ground and repeat your boundary to them. This is an opportunity to speak up for yourself.
As I learn this myself, it often is uncomfortable. I struggle with the same thought pattern as I did when I was younger. What if I upset them? What if this makes them feel like I don’t love or value them? Growth is not an easy process, but if I want to experience joy I have to stop worrying about how what I want makes other people feel (As long as I am not causing them harm).
This is your life to live.
Your intuition is your guide. Listen to your body.
